The Onion

The Onion America’s Finest News Source.

  • Landmark Climate Bill Incinerated By Historic Heatwave Before Biden Can Sign It
    on August 11, 2022 at 8:55 pm in heatwave, biden, joebiden, politicians, executivebranchoftheunitedstatesgovernment, killthelights, lawyers, document, environment, bidenfamily

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  • Nickelodeon Offers To Buy TV Rights To Jennette McCurdy’s New Memoir
    on August 11, 2022 at 8:20 pm in jennettemccurdy, nickelodeon, brianrobbins, televisionseries, televisionintheunitedstates, socialissues, entertainment2cculture, icarly, humaninterest, actors

    NEW YORK—Claiming the trauma experienced by former iCarly star had all the makings of television gold, Nickelodeon reportedly offered Thursday to buy the TV rights to Jennette McCurdy’s new memoir I’m Glad My Mom Died. “Nickelodeon would like to submit a bid to secure the rights to Jennette McCurdy’s harrowing memoir…Read more…

  • Trump Invokes 5th Amendment In N.Y. Civil Probe Of His Business Dealings
    on August 11, 2022 at 7:51 pm in trump, economyoftheunitedstates, keithelgin, donaldtrump, businesspeople, climatechangeskepticismanddenial, aaronradia, emily, right wingpopulismintheunitedstates, americanpeopleofgermandescent, thetrumporganization, politicsoftheunitedstates

    Former President Trump invoked his Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination during a deposition in the New York Attorney General’s probe into the Trump Organization’s business practices, a move he once claimed was a sign of guilt. What do you think?Read more…

  • ‘Mamma Mia!’ ‘Buongiorno!’ ‘Buca Di Beppo’: Cubans Respond To The Casting Of James Franco As Fidel Castro
    on August 11, 2022 at 6:39 pm in mammamia21, buongiorno, mammamia, beppo, bucadibeppo, fidelcastro, mia, jamesfranco, disaster2caccident, recordlabels, musicals, creativeworks

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  • FBI Turns Over Mar-A-Lago Documents To Dork Agent Who Loves Reading
    on August 11, 2022 at 6:30 pm in mar a lago, dork, federalbureauofinvestigation, spies, franklinhale, melvin, roberthanssen, donaldtrump, dweeb, crimeintheunitedstates, catholics, doubleagents

    WASHINGTON—Following this week’s raid on former President Donald Trump’s Florida property, the FBI reportedly turned over documents retrieved from Mar-A-Lago to a dorky desk agent who loves to read.“Have at it, dweeb, you don’t have any friends so you should be able to get through this in no time,” said special agent…Read more…

  • Everything You Need To Know About ‘Game Of Thrones: House Of Targaryen’
    on August 11, 2022 at 5:36 pm in gameofthrones, aegontargaryen, viserystargaryen, humaninterest, fiction, sports, creativeworks

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  • EPA Closes Down After Running Out Of Salvageable Environment To Protect
    on August 11, 2022 at 5:20 pm in environment, environmentoftheunitedstates, law2ccrime, naturalenvironment, unitedstatesenvironmentalprotectionagency, nature

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  • How Wildfires Work
    on August 11, 2022 at 3:18 pm in environment, occupationalsafetyandhealth, bodytext, draft3athewizard, wildfire, contents, namespace, articles, ecologicalsuccession, documentstructuringconventions, disaster2caccident, labor, weather

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  • Chicago Defends Relocating Polluting Factory To Black Family’s Kitchen
    on August 11, 2022 at 11:15 am

    CHICAGO—In response to outcry among South Side residents, Chicago officials reportedly defended Thursday relocating a polluting factory to a local Black family’s kitchen. “Despite what a few chronic complainers on the radical left say, the decision to relocate Rondell Chemical to the kitchen and dining room of the…Read more…

  • Leonardo DiCaprio Asks Endangered Seal To Sign NDA
    on August 11, 2022 at 11:00 am

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  • Vomit-Covered Man Who Shit His Pants Hopes He Didn’t Blow First Date
    on August 11, 2022 at 10:45 am

    MADISON, WI—Noting he wasn’t able to secure a kiss at the end, vomit-covered man Daniel Sedona who shit his pants expressed hope Thursday that he didn’t blow his first date. “We did seem to have such a good connection before I violently soiled myself in front of her at the dinner table, so I’m just praying that it…Read more…

  • Photographic Evidence Reveals Trump Attempted To Flush White House Down Toilet
    on August 11, 2022 at 10:30 am

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  • CEOs Warn Against The Dangers Of Artificial Intelligence
    on August 11, 2022 at 10:15 am

    With artificial intelligence becoming more advanced every year, a number of high-ranking experts have begun to sound the alarm. The Onion asked several CEOs what they most feared about AI, and this is what they said.Read more…

  • Massive Sinkhole Opens Up In Chile
    on August 11, 2022 at 10:00 am

    Chilean authorities are investigating after a massive 105-foot-wide, 656-foot-deep sinkhole suddenly appeared in the north of the country last week. What do you think?Read more…

  • Facebook Gave Private Messages To Police In Teen’s Abortion Case
    on August 10, 2022 at 8:37 pm

    A 17-year-old from Nebraska and her mother are facing criminal charges for performing an illegal abortion after police obtained from Facebook the pair’s private chat history, in which the mother says she bought her daughter abortion pills. What do you think?Read more…

  • SNAP Recipients Now Required To Prove Need By Eating All Their Groceries On Spot
    on August 10, 2022 at 6:20 pm

    WASHINGTON—In an effort to better verify participants’ eligibility, the U.S. Department of Agriculture announced Wednesday that recipients of Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program benefits would now be required to eat all of their groceries on the spot. “Our mission has always been to help families in need, but if…Read more…

  • Prison Charges Inmate $1 Per Minute For Time With Photo Of Family
    on August 10, 2022 at 6:15 pm

    SAN QUENTIN, CA—Advising inmates to be ready with the proper funds available in their accounts, a new policy at San Quentin State Prison charges those in custody $1 per minute for time with a family photo, sources reported Wednesday. “As of today, it will cost $3 to begin looking at an image of a loved one, and then…Read more…

  • Things Robbers Always Look For When Casing A House
    on August 10, 2022 at 5:04 pm in markuplanguages, politics, religion2cbelief

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  • Man Takes Nice Morning Drive Through Neighbors
    on August 10, 2022 at 2:49 pm in clinicalpharmacology, hospitality2crecreation, healthcarequality, articles, humaninterest, bodytext, health, nationalhealthservice, nationalinstituteforhealthandcareexcellence

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  • Conservatives React To The Mar-A-Lago Raid
    on August 10, 2022 at 12:44 pm in mar a lago, erictrump, tuckercarlson, unitedstates, marcorubio, racialviewsofdonaldtrump, lauren, donaldtrump, specialcounselinvestigation, climatechangeskepticismanddenial, jaredkushner, biden, lauraingraham, jimjordan, dinesh, marjorietaylorgreene, jesus, hunterbiden, georgew, russianinterferenceinthe2016unitedstateselections, candaceowens, seanhannity, lindseygraham, stevedoocy, right wingpopulismintheunitedstates, americanpeopleofgermandescent, politics, tedcruz, businesspeople, kevinmccarthy, rondesantis, richardshelby, benshapiro

    “Fuck him. I got my judges.”Read more…